


Never have I ever.

by acribia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Consensual Underage Sex, Drinking, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, James Potter is a Good Friend, James is the mother hen, M/M, Minor Character Death, NOT between wolfstar of course, Recreational Drug Use, Remus is sarcastic, Remus is sassy, Smoking, There is some texting, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, but this isn't a texting fic, can you imagine the audacity, crack ship, revenge porn, sirius is in denial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:41:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 18,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27391408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acribia/pseuds/acribia
Summary: Great, he was gonna share his desk with a newbie who was probably a sociopath because who else would change school in their last year? Only a freak.«Hi»The boy - Lupin - said as he sat down. Alright, he was a cute freak but a freak nonetheless. Wait, Sirius shook his head, since when did he find blokes cute?
Relationships: Alice Longbottom/Frank Longbottom, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Regulus Black/James Potter, Remus Lupin/Gideon Prewett, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 80
Kudos: 114





	1. the new kid.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> \- this is a Muggle high school AU.  
> \- the division per day and hour is inspire by Skam but I promise you this has nothing to do with Skam.  
> \- feel free to tell me what you think, good or bad!

**Monday, 08:30 a.m.**

«Run, Prongs, run!» 

«She’s gonna kill us»

Sirius laughed, his lungs burning from the lack of air. James was right behind him, his footsteps echoed in the empty corridors. Somehow they managed to be late even on the first day of the school year.

«She won’t even notice»

Sirius panted as he pushed the classroom door. Everyone was already sat at their desk and professor McGonagall, stood next to the white board with her lips pursed.

«Good morning mr. Black, mr. Potter. Off to a great start are we?»

Sirius shot her a charming smile.

«We had an inconvenience» 

He explained sliding on his chair shortly followed by James.

«This is your last year of high school therefore I won’t tolerate any form of misbehavior which is why mr. Potter you won’t sit with Mr. Black»

«What? No!» 

Both James and Sirius clung to each other. They had been sitting together ever since their first year and it was a tradition they weren’t willing to change. McGonagall rolled her eyes before giving them an exasperated look. If they hadn’t been her brightest pupils, she probably would have expelled them a long time ago.

«Mr. Potter you’ll be sitting next to mr. Snape»

James tried to protest but the teacher cut him off.

«And you mr. Black will be sitting with Mr. Lupin» 

«I’m sorry who?» 

Sirius asked genuinely confused as James gathered his things and moved to the front row next to Snivellus. Sirius glanced at him to make sure he was okay and was rewarded with the sight of his friend sitting as far away as possibile from the other boy.

«Mr. Lupin is our new student Sirius» 

«Great» 

_Great,_ he was gonna share his desk with a newbie who was probably a sociopath because who else would change school in their last year? Only a freak. 

«Hi»

The boy - Lupin - said as he sat down. Alright, he was a cute freak but a freak nonetheless. _Wait,_ Sirius shook his head, since when did he find blokes cute? It was a silly thought.

«Hi» 

He gave him a shrug and reached for his textbook. It was gonna be a dull lesson without James.

**Monday 02:15 p.m.**

«So how’s the new guy?»

James asked chewing his food. Sirius winced, there were few things he hated as much as people speaking with their mouths full.

«God, Jamie, mum hasn’t taught you anything?» 

«Sorry»

James sighed and swallowed his bite. Sirius threw a couple of napkins at him for good measure.

«Did you enjoy your day with Snivellus?» 

«Ugh, it was awful. He’s grease on legs»

«True»

They both ate in silence for a while with only the noise of the telly to keep them company until James arched his brows and looked at Sirius curiously.

«So?» 

«What?» 

«The new guy? How’s he?» 

Sirius shrugged. He surely couldn’t say that he found the new guy cute, could he?

«I don’t know, we haven’t talked much»

«Lily says he’s nice» 

«Well then if Lily says so, she _must_ be right» 

James sighed and pushed his plate away. Lily was a sore topic between the two of them and whenever her name came up in their conversations, Sirius became insufferable. After months, James still struggled to understand why.

«Sirius please, I can’t do this right now» 

«Do what?» 

«Fighting with you over my girlfriend» 

Sirius scoffed and stood up. He knew he was being dramatic but that was his way to deal with things that bothered him and Lily Evans bothered him, _a lot._

«Fine, I’m going away» 

«Padfoot come on!»

Sirius swore at him and ran up the stairs straight to his room. He was sure James wasn’t gonna follow him; he was his best friend and therefore he was able to sense when Sirius needed his alone time.

«Stupid girls» 

He mumbled as he fell on his bed. _Stupid girls_ that took James away from him. His James. Why would he even want a girlfriend when he was right there? Sirius groaned and pushed his face deep down his pillow. Stupid, he was just being stupid.

**Tuesday, 10:45 a.m.**

_\- New text message from Regulus: mother says that if you don’t pick up the things you left, she’s gonna burn them. -_

Sirius sighed and shoved his phone in his back pocket. He rarely had any news from his brother and whenever they talked to each other, it was just to check if anyone in their family had died. Unfortunately that day, everyone seemed to be healthy and alive.

«Oi, Padfoot!» 

Sirius looked up to see James grinning right in front of him. Lily was at his side with an arm tightly wrapped around his waist.

«Prongs, Evans» 

Lily rolled her eyes but smiled kindly at him.

«You can call me Lily, you know» 

«Yeah well I prefer Evans»

James cleared his throat and pulled him in to a hug that ended up in Sirius smashing his nose on his friend shoulder.

«So we’re going to the skate park after school, are you coming?» 

«Uhm» Sirius bit his lips thoughtfully. Usually he loved skating with James however if Evans waswith them, he was gonna be the that weird third wheel who stared at his friend while they make out.

«Actually I can’t, I need to pick up some things from Grimmuald Place»

James frowned, a painful grimace suddenly replaced his previous grin.

«Then I’m coming with you» 

Sirius had to fight back a smile: so James still valued him more than his little girlfriend!

«No need, really. I’m going right after school when my mother isn’t there and I’m sure Reg is not gonna bea… I mean you know» 

«I know» 

James squeezed his shoulder.

«Be careful okay?»

«Okay» 

**Tuesday, 03:10 p.m.**

_\- Message sent to Regulus: I’m coming now, is mother there? -_

«Can I ask you something?» 

Sirius nodded but kept scrolling through his phone not really focusing on the boy sat next to him.

«Are you a complete twat?» 

«Excuse me?» 

The boy laughed and pinched the tip of Sirius’ nose finally gaining his whole attention.

«Well you never answer my questions, never talk and you’re always scrolling so I wanted to know if you’re a twat or if you just grew up in a cave» 

Sirius scoffed and rolled his eyes.

«None of those things»

«Alright so you’re just rude. Apparently posh kids don’t know how to be polite» 

The boy stood up and began walking away when Sirius grabbed him from the elbow to stop him.

«I’m not posh!»

His insides were stirring: his family was posh but he wasn’t. He wasn’t a Black anymore therefore none of that aristocracy bullshit belonged to him.

«Sure, if you say so» 

«I know so» 

«May I go now?» 

Sirius let go of his arm and watched silently as the boy walked away. He was a very cute freak with those freckles and amber eyes. His phone buzzing brought him back to reality.

_\- New text message from Regulus: she’s here and she’s in one of her mood, I’ll bring you everything tomorrow night at James’ -_

«Hey Lupin, wait!» 


	2. smoking and kissing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is questioning and Remus is a tease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe I should tell you that this isn't beta read or maybe not.   
> this chapter is a little bit shorter.

**Tuesday, 03:35 p.m.**

«Hey Lupin, wait!»

The boy turned on his heel and gave Sirius a questioning look.

«Are you going home?» 

«Well yes, why?»

Sirius bit his bottom lip, he had never been one to act out of rationality but maybe - just maybe - what he was going to do, was the peak of stupidity.

«Can I come with you?» 

The other’s eyes widened in surprise. He gripped his bag strap and scanned Sirius head to toe.

«You might be a murderer»

He reasoned. His hair fell lazily on his forehead brushing his freckled skin.

«I’m not. I’m just bored, my friend’s on a date and my brother dumped me» 

«What’s my name?» 

Sirius stuttered, although they had been sitting together, he didn’t even bother to ask.

«Alright but I have pot» 

«In this case, I’m Remus and you’re coming with me» 

**Tuesday, 04:20 p.m.**

Remus lived in the smallest flat Sirius had ever seen. It was rickety and smelled of dump and Sirius loved it. It was so different from the places he grew up in, that he couldn’t help but be mesmerized by it.

«Do you live alone?»

Remus laughed and sat on his bed.

«No, I live with my mom»

«Cool» 

Sirius shifted his weight from one foot to another, he never knew what to do with people he wasn’t familiar with. Sometimes he wished he was more like James who always managed to make others feel at peace and never fell in to uncomfortable silences. Remus looked at him with a sardonic smile.

«You can sit, you know?»

He said as he patted the spot next to him.

«Right, sorry»

Sirius plonked on the bed and rested his head on the windowsill.

«You said you have pot, right?»

«You’re straight to the point» 

Remus laughed and stretched his legs, Sirius’ breath hitched when their knees brushed together.

«Alright, here»

The boy rummaged in his backpack and took out the goods. Remus reached for them and let his fingers linger on Sirius’ for a while. Sirius stared at their knotted hands and tried to ignore the warmth spreading at the bottom of his stomach. He wasn’t supposed to feel like that, was he?

«I’ll roll them» 

Remus said with a smirk. Sirius watched him as he rolled the joints, his tongue darted out every now and then and Sirius found himself fantasizing about how it would taste like against his. _Shit._ He shook his head and sighed heavily letting himself fall on the bed.

«Are you tired?» 

Remus asked as he lit one of the joint and inhaled deeply.

«I had a rough night» 

«Mhm»

Remus lay next to him and nudged him with his shoulder. Sirius held his breath, what was happening to him?

«Turn your head» 

«What?»

«Just turn your head» 

Sirius frowned but obliged nonetheless. Remus cupped his chin and made him part his lips before exhaling smoke right in to his mouth. Sirius’ stomach twisted painfully as he inhaled everything. «What was that?» 

He asked once he was sure his voice wouldn’t betray him. Remus shrugged and passed him the joint.

«Nothing, my friends and I always did it back in Wales» 

«Oh» 

Sirius almost felt disappointed. It wasn’t like he had thought that it meant something but maybe he actually did.

«Why did you change school?»

Remus smiled sadly to himself.

«I got bored»

«Okay»

«I’ll show you something else we did, give me that» 

Remus sat up and moved on top of Sirius falling gracefully right above his waist. Sirius watched him carefully as he inhaled some smoke and leaned on him until their mouths brushed together.Remus parted his lips and Sirius mimicked him welcoming small puffs of fume in his throat. Remus pressed a chaste kiss on his mouth before pushing himself back up and leaving Sirius’ waist.

«That’s an interesting way to smoke»

Remus laughed.

«Yes, maybe»

**Wednesday, 05:00 p.m.**

Sirius couldn’t stop thinking about the evening he spent with Remus. The feeling of their lips pressed together, was so vivid that it almost drove him crazy and although they hadn’t properly kissed, kissing had never felt so right before. Sirius groaned in his pillow. Why couldn’t he fall in love with a nice girl and be normal for once? And beside that, he was sure that Remus was straight.

«Pads can I come in? I made tea» 

James shouted behind the door.

«Sure, come in» 

James walked in slowly balancing a trail full of steaming mugs and biscuits. He carefully placed them on the night stand and sat next to Sirius.

«So» he began «mom wants to know why you didn’t go to school today» 

«I wasn’t feeling good»

James sipped his tea and stared at him thoughtfully.

«Did something happen yesterday?» 

Sirius choked on his tea, was it so obvious? How was he supposed to tell James that his fear of liking boys may be a reality?

«What do you mean?» 

«You went to Grimmuald Place yesterday, did something happen there?» 

Sirius laughed out loud, his body relaxed instantly.

«Oh no, in the end I didn’t. Walburga was there so Reg told me not to go»

James frowned and scratched the back of his head.

«Then where were you?» 

«I had a walk and smoked a little and this morning I felt too stoned to go to school» 

Which was partially true; he did feel stoned however he didn’t go to school because he needed to sort himself out before seeing Remus again. Remus for whom the sexy exchange of smoke didn’t mean anything.

«God Pads, next time you’re coming with me and Lils to the skate park» 


	3. switch off your mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I'm not in any way, encouraging the use of drugs.  
> \- let's say that for a while Remus and Sirius relationship won't be healthy.

**Wednesday, 11:30 p.m.**

**-** _New text message from Regulus: I can’t come, mother wants me to stay late for practice. -_

_\- Message sent to Regulus: are you okay? -_

**Thursday, 08:15 a.m.**

Sirius kept checking his phone every few minutes, he was waiting for an answer from Regulus and anxiety crept through him like a flow of static energy.

«He will reply, calm down» 

James pressed a warming hand on his shoulder. Sirius forced a smile and threw the phone in his backpack.

«It’s not like him going totally MIA» 

«Maybe he fell asleep right after practice» 

Sirius scoffed, he knew his brother too well not to buy in to that kind of narration.

«He should be awake by now» 

«Padfoot, Regulus is homeschooled, he can wake up whenever he wants» 

James said as he nudged him playfully.

«It’ll be fine»

He then added before collecting his belongings. McGonagall was making her way through the classroom and surely she wouldn’t have liked seeing them bantering together (although talking about Sirius’ psychotic family, didn’t usually fell in to the realm of banters).

«Is everything okay?» 

Remus asked next to him. He was looking particularly ill that day and shivered under his oversized sweater. Sirius shrugged.

«I might ask you the same thing» 

Remus smirked at that.

«It’s only fair so I’m gonna tell you that _I_ could be better but alas here I am and you?» 

Sirius pondered the question for a while.

«I could be better»

He replied honestly. The other boy hummed as he scribbled something in his notebook.

«You’re having lunch with me after school» 

Sirius jaw dropped, his heart hammered faster than usual.

«What?» 

«Have lunch with me, I bet I can take your mind off of your problems»

«Okay» 

**Thursday, 02:00 p.m.**

Sirius sat on Remus’ couch, the noise of the other boy rummaging through the cupboards filled the small space of the living room. Somewhere in the kitchen a pot of pasta had been forgotten on the stove.

«I found them» 

Remus said triumphantly as he took a sit next to the other boy.

«What exactly did you find?» 

Sirius would have lied if he had told anyone that he didn’t feel scared when Remus revealed two little stamps sitting on his palm.

«Are you sure? Isn’t you mom home?» 

The boy gave him a wolfish smile before pressing one of the goods on his tongue.

«My mom is at work and won’t be back for a while and yes I am sure, I’ve done this plenty of times»

Sirius swallowed hard. If James knew what he was doing, he would have killed him.

«Okay fine» 

«Alright, open your mouth» 

He obliged and Remus placed the other stamp on his tongue. It felt uncomfortably powdery in his mouth.

«Now we wait» 

**Thursday, 03:30 p.m.**

Sirius was confused. His body weighted a ton and he struggled to move without feeling dizzy. All around him, colorful shadows danced neurotically.

«Is this normal?» 

His voice sounded far and distorted to his own ears.

«What?» 

«Seeing things» 

Remus laughed and ruffled his hairs, it felt nice.

«Completely normal»

«Okay» 

Sirius slid on the couch until he was laying with his head on Remus’ lap. Even during a trip, he still thought the boy was dangerously cute.

«How often do you do this?» 

Remus brushed Sirius’ head.

«Quite often» 

«Why?»

The boy shrugged, his fingertips rested on the other’s temple.

«I don’t know»

«Is it always this nice?» 

Remus chuckled and pressed a kiss on Sirius’ forehead sending shivers through his spine.

«No, sometimes is frightening» 

«Oh, I’m sorry»

«It’s okay» 

Sirius bit his bottom lip thoughtfully; if he was high, he was allowed to do things he wouldn’t even remember, right? He propped up on his elbows and kissed Remus with parted lips welcoming the other’s tongue with a pleased sigh. Sirius felt his body going warm all over, maybe it was the kiss or maybe the drugs but whatever that was, it felt beyond good.

«I’m not gay»

Sirius mumbled once they broke from each other. Remus smiled at him politely.

«It’s okay, you’re just high» 

**Friday, 04:00 a.m.**

_\- Message sent to Marlene: I need to talk to you -_


	4. convenience store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright so: I come from a catholic family and my experience with being lgbtq in a catholic family, is horrible which explains the position I took in this fic HOWEVER I'm not saying that all catholics are "bad" people so PLEASE don't take this personally. It just comes from my personal experience. 
> 
> Also: daily updates? Yes, daily updates.

**Friday, 09:45 a.m.**

Sirius sat alone at the canteen waiting for Marlene to come. She attended the catholic school right across the street from his institute and had been his best friend (well, his other best friend apart from James) for as long as he could remember. Sirius knew she wasn’t religious however he also fully understood why she chose to endure that kind of education: her parents’ sake.

«Sirius!»

Marlene shouted as she ran up to him with her blonde hair dancing wildly behind her back.

«Marls, it’s so good to see you» 

Sirius stood up and embraced the small girl tightening his arms around her frail figure. As a child, Sirius had never been keen on physical affection and avoided touching for dear life but as he grew older and was introduced to such a healthy environment as the Potter’s house was, he learnt how to appreciate the beauty in it.

«So» the girl began guiding him to the nearest table «you must be desperate if you sent me a message at bloody four in the morning» 

Sirius raised his hand in defeat, there was no point in denying he was guilty of that.

«I guess I was a little stoned, I’m sorry»

Marlene narrowed her eyes and looked at him suspiciously.

«Stoned on a school day?» 

«I was worried, I _am_ worried, for Reg and needed to ease up my nerves»

«It’s not really like you, is it?»

Sirius shrugged, it had mostly been an excuse to spend time with Remus. Yes, _Remus._ Sirius sighed and hid his face behind his hands.

«Hey gorgeous, what’s bothering you?» 

«Marls, if I tell you, you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone, not even James»

«I… Siri that’s though but sure, I promise» 

Sirius tapped his fingers on the table in a mere attempt of reducing his anxiety and took a deep breath.

«I kissed a guy and I think I liked it»

Marlene smiled fondly at him and took his hands in hers.

«You _think_ you liked it?»

Sirius shook his head and sighed deeply.

«I wasn’t in my right mind when it happened so I’m not sure whether I liked the kiss or I liked howit felt while being high»

Marlene brushed the back of his hand with her thumb and Sirius couldn’t help but notice how worried she looked.

«That’s fucked up Siri and definitely not like you»

«Marls please»

Marlene nodded at him and sighed deeply. She had always knew she liked girls so to her, giving advice on how to figure out one’s sexuality, was quite tricky.

«Okay, you might wanna try to kiss a boy while sober and also do you think about boys in the way straight blokes do about girls?» 

Sirius frowned, the truth was he didn’t know. He had always gone for girls not because he wanted to but because he was _supposed_ to however he had never felt particularly attracted to them. Even the whole snogging thing seemed rather bland to him. But maybe - _maybe -_ it was just because he had only done it with girls.

«No, i can’t do that»

Marlene squeezed his hand to comfort him.

«Love, that’s okay» 

«No Marls, I need to have one normal thing in my life and I can’t… fuck sorry! I didn’t mean to say you’re not normal»

Marlene let go of his hand and stood up quickly.

«No, Sirius, it’s okay at least now I know how you really feel about me. Also maybe you’re not gay, maybe you’re just one of those blokes who think about random guys to get hard for their girlfriends. Speaking of girlfriend, I have to go back to mine at the school were my parents sent me because they think I’m the fucking antichrist» 

«Marls, wait, please!»

Sirius watched her walk away with his insides flinching painfully in his stomach.

**Friday, 04:25 p.m.**

«Come on Padfoot, you already ditched us yesterday»

James lamented as he threw himself on Sirius’ lap.

«Fuck off Prongs, I don’t wanna come to that stupid skate park»

«Siiiiiiiiri, come on»

Sirius pushed James away and threw a blanket on his head. After his fight with Marlene, the idea of going out to have fun seemed wrong.

«Padfoot why are you acting like this?»

«I had a fight with Marlene and I don’t wanna go out, okay?» 

James went silent and lay down next to him.

«Do you want to talk about it?»

«No»

«Okay, do you want me to make some tea?» 

Sirius shook his head.

«Is there something I can do for you?»

Sirius sighed deeply, could James Potter solve his problems and tell him wether he was gay or not? Probably not and beside that, he wasn’t gonna tell him anything about it, not even under torture.

«Let’s go to that fucking skate park» 

**Friday, 05:15 p.m.**

«Lily and Remus are already here!» 

Sirius’ stomach dropped, Remus? _Fuck_ , he was trying to get away from him.

«Remus?»

James shrugged.

«Lily invited him and his boyfriend, is that okay with you?» 

Sirius nodded, he wasn’t sure about the state of his voice so he decided to play it safe and just stay quiet. 

«Alright I’m going skating, try not to get caught if you decide to do some graffiti, okay Pads?» 

«Okay»

Sirius wandered to the bench were Lily and Remus were talking and sat next to the girl. He had stubbornly decided not to pay any attention to them and to focus on the others skating instead.

«So who’s your boyfriend?» 

He heard Lily asking despite his own resolution.

«The one with the blonde hair and the blue hoodie»

Sirius wasn’t looking at the guy however he did seem quite dumb to him.

«I’ve never seen him at school»  
The girl noticed.

«He’s not from here, he still lives in Wales but sometimes he pays some visits» 

«Nice, he must love you»

Remus shrugged, he looked annoyed at the idea of the boy being in love with him; maybe he didn’t love him back.

«What’s his name?» 

Sirius asked unable to contain his curiosity.

«Gid, well Gideon but we all call him Gid»

As summoned, the boy ran up to them and threw himself on Remus who huffed in surprise. Lily giggled (she loved public display of affection) whereas Sirius had to stop himself from rolling his eyes.

«Hi beauty, are you having fun?»

He asked before placing a kiss on Remus’ lips. Although Sirius would have never admitted it, he did feel a little jealous of the boy.

«Yes, kinda of»

«Well we have the entire night to make up for this»

Remus stretched a smile and pushed the boy away before getting up.

«I’m going to the store, I’ll see you in a minute» 

«I’m coming with you»

Sirius blurted out without even knowing why.

**Friday, 05:45 p.m.**

The first time Sirius set foot in a convenience store, he had felt utterly overwhelmed by it. As a kid, he was never allowed to go grocery shopping (the maids did that) therefore when James dragged him in to a super market, his brain had a major case of seizure. By now stores didn’t amaze him anymore. Remus strolled down a couple of aisle before joining him at the till.

«I didn’t even need those things» 

He admitted as he exchanged a few pounds with the cashier.

«Then why did you come here?»

Remus sighed and proceed to walk out of the store closely followed by Sirius.

«So?» 

«I just» the other began before biting his bottom lip to cut himself off «this is gonna sound bad but I just needed to get away from Gid, I hate it when he becomes all clingy and stuff»

Sirius nodded as Remus shoved his hands in his pockets and fished out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. His amber eyes shone relentlessly in the gloomy light of the afternoon.

«Want one?»

«No thanks, I’m okay»

Sirius couldn’t help but follow the motion of Remus’ lips curling around the cigarette. It was… mesmerizing? No, that wasn’t how it would have described it. Arousing? Maybe.

«Listen, i’m sorry for yesterday» 

Remus gave him a questioning look.

«You’re sorry for what?»

«The kiss, I shouldn’t have… I’m really sorry» 

Remus laughed and cupped his cheek stroking gently his thumb over his jawline. Sirius had to use every inch of willpower not to lean in the touch.

«You were high so it didn’t mean anything and beside that, you’re straight right? You probably confused me for some girl you like»

«Yes, yes I did»

Remus smiled at him and let his hand slid on Sirius’ bicep before going all the way down his forearm to then brush his fingers. Sirius swallowed hard but remained still.

«We should go back now»

Remus said and broke apart from him, Sirius felt the need to whine due to the unexpected loss of contact but cleared his throat instead.

«Yes, we should» 

In that moment Sirius knew he was fucked.

**Saturday, 09:00 a.m.**

_\- New text message from Regulus: can I come to James? -_

_\- New text message from Regulus: just for a while, please. -_


	5. diving board.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- yes, this short.   
> \- yes, next chapter we'll have some proper wolfstar interaction (I promise!!!)   
> \- yes, there's a plot within the plot.   
> \- Gideon? Nah, we don't care about him or well, we do but you'll see later.

**Saturday, 11:15 a.m.**

Regulus showed up to the Potters with a broken cheekbone and several bruises on his neck. Sirius had to bit back his own tears when his baby brother tumbled on his bed with a loud sob. «What happened?»

He asked unable to do anything. He wanted to squeeze Regulus in a tight hug but he was too afraid it might break him.

«I fell» 

The answer came muffled due to the pillow Regulus was pressing on his face.

«You fell»

James echoed skeptically. He was standing on the threshold of the door, fumbling with his hands and visibly torn on what to do.

«At practice, from the diving board» 

Sirius scoffed: he wasn’t buying in to that. Regulus had never fell once in his life and beside that, it was rather suspicious that he had landed right on his face.

«That’s bullshit. I know it was her» 

Regulus sighed and brushed his fingers on the bruised side of his face but instantly regretted that motion due to the pain that it shot through his whole body. He clenched his jaw and tried hard not to flinch.

«So?» 

Sirius urged.

«Do we really have to talk about it?» 

«Yes!» 

«No»

James cut them off and walked past Sirius to join Regulus on the bed. He carefully placed a hand on the boy’s leg and waited for any kind of response. Regulus breathed in hard, unlike Sirius, he still feared physical contact.

«Does Walburga know you’re here?» 

Regulus shook his head.

«She thinks I’m at Barty’s» 

«Okay and will Barty cover you?» 

Regulus let out a groan of frustration.

«No he won’t and I’ll have to go back home at some point» 

«You’re not going to» 

Sirius almost shouted. Regulus winced and crawled on himself while James shot Sirius a killing look.

«Sirius stop it»

«Look at him James, he’s crazy if he thinks I’m gonna let him leave» 

James stood up and guided Sirius out of the room.

«Calm dow, make some tea and then when you’re ready, come back»

**Saturday, 11:40 a.m.**

James sighed as he closed the door behind his back. He knew that cutting Sirius off wasn’t fair however his friend wasn’t in the right state of mind to take care of his baby brother.

«He’s right tho, you can’t go back»

James said quietly as he sat next to Regulus. 

«Regardless, I have to go back. It’s not like I have a choice»

«I know»

Ever since Sirius was disinherited, all his family duties fell on Regulus who soon found out he couldn’t leave the house of Black for dear life. Not when Walburga threatened to end him if he ever pull off “a Sirius”.

«Will you tell me what happened?»

James asked cupping carefully Regulus’ face to examine the damage. Other than the swelling, the cheekbone didn’t look dramatically broken.

«No»

«Okay» 

After years of dealing with Sirius, James learnt not to push the Black boys when they didn’t feel ready to open up.

«Do you mind if I just lie down for a bit?»

«Of course I don’t»

«Can you, you know?»

James didn’t need Regulus to end the sentence to know what to do. He moved behind him and guided him on the bed wrapping one arm around his waist so that Regulus’ back was pressing on his chest.

«Thank you»

Regulus managed to blurt out in a shaky breath.

«It’s okay»

«No, James, I mean it. I know there’s Lily now and I shouldn’t ask you to… but thank you»

James smiled to himself and pressed a chaste kiss on Regulus’ shoulder.

«Reg, you know I’ll always love you right? Just because we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean that I can’t still love you» 

«Thank you»

James thought that maybe one day he was gonna be able to tell Sirius what happened between him and Regulus before he met Lily.

**Sunday, 12:00 a.m.**

_\- Message sent to Marlene: please talk to me. -_

_\- New text message from Marlene: Fuck off Sirius -_

**Monday, 09:20**

Remus walked quietly in the classroom, he was late but McGonagall didn’t seem to care as she limited herself to a simple nod and a note. James turned to Sirius with wide eyes, she usually went nuts on them when they weren’t at school on time. Sirius shrugged and glanced at boy next to him: he looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

«How did you do that?» 

He asked mostly to engage in a conversation.

«Did what?»

«Minnie didn’t scold you»

«Oh that» Remus scratched the back of his neck and Sirius caught a glimpse of some split knuckles «I guess it’s just because I’m new»

«Why did you change school again?» 

«What did I tell you last time?»

«That you got bored» 

Remus nodded and opened his book completely unamused by their little exchange.

«Well then I was bored»

«But it’s…»

Sirius began but the other boy cut him off by pressing a hand on his thigh maybe somewhere a little bit too high to be considerate appropriate.

«Make that explanation work, okay?» 

Sirius’ breath itched, he surely wasn’t expecting to be palmed nor to get such an harsh response. _Straight,_ he thought, _I’m fucking straight… well maybe._ Remus’ hand left his leg and Sirius watched as the boy confined himself in the furthest corner of their desk; he was painful to admit but he was _beautiful._

«I’m sorry» 

«It’s okay Sirius» 

Sirius bit his bottom lip thoughtfully, there was only one way to both clear up his mind and to know what Remus was hiding.

«We should hang out sometime»

Remus glanced at him suspiciously.

«Uhm?»

«Well I reckon you don’t have many friend since you just got here so we can hang out sometime, what do you think?»

The boy sighed but thought better to just give in.

«Alright, let’s go out»

**Monday, 06:45**

_\- New text message from Regulus: I’m back at Grimmuald, I’m okay._

_\- New text message from Remus: tomorrow’s fine._


	6. pancakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it a wolfstar fan fic if Greyback isn't mentioned? well I mean, he's not here unless...  
> anyway hold on to the "there are reasons why" because that's the key to understand remus. 
> 
> \- the underlined text is James's phone (also I might do a dedicate Tumblr post to collect all the chat and social media accounts of the people in this fic so let me know if you're interested).  
> \- the aesthetics thing is something I really said.

**Tuesday, 04:30 p.m.**

Sirius knew it wasn’t a date however he felt like he was going to meet his lifelong partner’s parents for the first time. In reality he was just on his way to have coffee with Remus which - Sirius reasoned - might even be scarier. He had purposefully chosen a place where they could sit outside so that if Remus wanted to smoke (which apparently he did a lot), he could’ve. On an afterthought, Sirius was regretting that decision since London was getting chillier by the day. Unlike him, Remus didn’t seem to mind the cold weather at all but maybe that was just because he was wearing an unspeakable amount of layers.

«Maybe you should reconsider your stylistic choices»

Remus teased him when Sirius brought up the jumpers situation.

«I’d rather freeze than give the aesthetic up»

«If you say so» 

They decided to sit outside (Sirius growled internally because he really was freezing in his not so warm leather jacket and ripped jeans) and fell in an awkward silence right after the waitress took their orders.

«So»

Sirius began.

«So» 

The other echoed as he fished in his pockets for a packet of cigarettes.

«Is Gideon still here?»

Remus expression turned in a grimace but the boy was quick enough to readjust it to a more neutral face. Sirius took note of how his nose scrunched whenever he pulled a face; it was _cute._

«Nah, he went back to Wales, he still lives there, I’m the one who moved»   
«How long have you two been together?» 

Remus huffed, a cigarette pressed between his lips and a lighter in one hand.

«A year and half, I think. But it’s mostly out of habit, you know?» 

Sirius sank in his sit, he surely had never heard James talk like that about relationships.

«No, I guess I don’t know» 

Remus exhaled some smoke from his nostrils and brushed his chin thoughtfully; he looked sad all of a sudden.

«Let’s say that there are _reasons_ why I can’t leave him although I’d rather be alone»

«Oh, I’m sorry, I guess»

«Did you ask me out just to talk about my love life? Because if that’s the case then you could’ve just asked me if I was single and be done with it»

Sirius felt his cheeks going warm all over and instantly thought that it wasn’t the right time to get flustered.

«No I just wanted to get to know you better» 

Remus nodded solemnly, a smirk was now plastered on his face.

«Yeah the whole knowing new people thing» 

«Well sorry if _I_ was trying to be polite» 

Remus laughed as he put out his cigarette. Again Sirius couldn’t help but notice his tongue darting out a little and the freckles dotting his skin. Had he always been so observant of people features or was it just something he did with Remus?

«And i thought posh kids weren’t polite»

«I’m not posh»

Sirius retorted although he knew his accent suggested otherwise, Walburga be damned.

«Why do you always heat up when I bring the posh thing up?» 

«It’s none of your business» 

«And yet you were the one who wanted to know why I changed school» 

Sirius scoffed loudly, that boy was being ridiculous.

«Yes well, everybody’s curious about the strange new kid so my question was legitimate your teasing wasn’t» 

«Was it now?»

Remus retorted harshly.

«Of course it was! You came here looking like that, never get called off by Minnie, skip classes without any consequences and frankly you’re almost always stoned and yet you expect nobody to raise questions? You’re really freaking weird, Remus Lupin» 

Remus breathed in hard, he looked like he was ready to tear Sirius apart almost as if he head finally managed to get on his nerves (which Sirius thought was good since that meant he finally wasn’t the only one to be put on edge by the other) but instead he just stood up and walked away. Silly of him to think that that was enough to get rid of Sirius Black.

**Tuesday, 06:45 p.m.**

«Hi Padfoot, we’re making pancakes, do you want some?» 

James called from the kitchen.

«We?» 

Sirius asked as he got rid of his shoes. Euphemia didn’t want any dirty footwear to step on her floor.

«Lily and I»

Sirius rolled his eyes.

«Then no, thanks»

«Come on Sirius!»

James’ head poked out of the kitchen, he was pouting at him which was already ridiculous per se but was made even worse by the amount of flour that was plastered across his face and hair.

«Good luck at washing that off»

«Come on, have pancakes with us» 

James said ignoring Sirius’ remark.

«I’m really not in the mood for pancakes»

«You’re being a real pain the ass these days Pads, what’s up with you?» 

Sirius sighed, he did have quite a lot of things in his mind for instance there was Regulus and his broken cheekbone then his fight with Marlene and of course there also was Remus and the fact that he wanted to both punch him and kiss him which led him to another big problem: his fucking sexuality.

«Nothing’s happening»

James shook his head and walked toward him leaving white footprints behind him.

«Pads talk to me, please. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, it’ll only get worse if you keep it shut in your head, let me help you okay?»

«Just drop it Prongs, there’s nothing you can do»

Sirius rush off the stairs and locked himself in his room, those were things he had to deal only with himself.

**Tuesday, 6:50 p.m.**

_**-** Message sent to Marls: do you know what’s happening with Sirius? - _

_ \- Message sent to Regulus: I’m gonna kill your brother. _

_ \- New message from Marls: I don’t talk to him anymore - _

_ \- New message from Regulus: tell me about it - _

**Wednesday, 08:50 a.m.**

Sirius wasn’t one to wake on wet dreams nor he was someone who had wet dreams _however_ that morning, he woke up painfully hard courtesy of Remus Lupin and his devilish mouth and although uncomfortable, he made an effort not to take care of his arousal (he really didn’t want to masturbate on his classmate). So maybe that was why once he got to school and saw Remus leaning on the classroom wall all flustered by the wind, he rushed to him and shoved him in a broom cupboard just to harshly press their lips together. Remus gasped at first but quickly leaned in the kiss allowing Sirius to bite his lips and touch him under his shirt. They were panting heavily when they finally broke apart. Remus chuckled softly and cupped Sirius face.

«Well I though you didn’t like me»

Sirius shrugged and kissed him again, licking in to his mouth and pressing a thumb on the sensitive skin of his torso.

«I thought you didn’t like me either»

He said pushing Remus against the wall.

«I literally kissed you on the first day we met»

Sirius laughed at that, he still remembered the weird smoking trick.

«True but I just bought in to the “look at my cool smoking tricks” narrative»

«Also I thought you were straight?»

Remus asked utterly amused. Sirius sucked on his bottom lips and as answer. His hands were still resting under Remus’ shirt so he tentatively tried to brush his fingers on his nipples which gained him a soft moan from the other.

«Well _I_ thought you were in a relationship»

Remus stiffened at that and gently pushed Sirius away.

«Yes about that…» the boy began with panic in his voice, he looked like he was waiting for something (or someone) to jump out of the dark and stab them in the guts.

«You’re right, we shouldn’t… _I shouldn’t…_ listen I need to go, I’m sorry» 

Remus slid away from Sirus grip and ran off leaving him alone and more confused than before.

«What the fuck happened?» 


	7. panic attacks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I think I got the tenth grade thing right, I believe pupils in tenth grade are between 15 and 16 years old but I'm not from the UK so be patient with me (also brits, your school system is confusing).  
> \- Children be safe and don't send nudes.

**Thursday, 09:00 a.m.**

«Cariad, don’t you have school today?»

Remus stirred under the blankets and poked his head out just as much as he needed to gaze at his mother.

«Not feeling well»

He muttered. Hope Lupin - Howell now that she was freshly divorced - padded towards Remus’ bed and sat at his side.

«What’s the problem?»

«Had a panic attack yesterday night, couldn’t sleep, feeling like shit now»

Hope sighed as she pinched the bridge of her nose. Remus’ panic attacks had reached a peak during summer and forced him to stay inside for most of the holiday season however ever since they moved, she had been under the impression that Remus was getting better or at least, it looked like he was.

«Okay, you can stay home today. Do you want some breakfast?»

«No» 

«You need to eat cariad» 

Hope tried to reason brushing a hand on Remus’ side. She had been losing her mind over how much weight her already overly skinny son had dropped during the past few months.

«Later, I promise» 

Remus yawned and rolled on his side to get some sleep.

«I will leave you something to eat on the counter, okay?»

«Okay»

The boy waited for his mother’s footsteps to fade away before reaching for his phone. Sirius sent him a text message the previous evening asking him for an explanation which he knew he owed to him however he didn’t know where to begin with. There were so many things to unpack and he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to share everything. As a reflex, Remus scrolled through his chat with Gideon. How could someone be so manipulative and yet so tender at the same time? _No,_ Remus thought, that boy wasn’t tender nor did he love him. Not after everything he had done to him.

**Thursday, 02:15 p.m.**

Sirius Black acted out of impulse which was why he was standing outside Marlene’s school waiting for her to storm out to finally talk to her. The girl spotted him as soon as she step foot in the street however she didn’t manage to escape him because Dorcas - her girlfriend - dragged her all the way down to Sirius. 

«Nonsense, you need to talk to him»

He caught a glimpse of their conversation and was relieved to know that at least one of them had some common sense.

«Fine»

Marlene huffed out before turning her gaze to Sirius.

«So?»

The boy swallowed hard, he really needed to get everything right.

«I’m sorry, I was an asshole and I didn’t mean what I said. I was scared and anyway you know I really don’t think before I speak but that’s not the point. The point is that I hurt you and I’m sorry. Marlene McKinnon will you be my best friend again?»

Marlene scoffed but broke in to a grin right after.

«Dickhead»

«I know» 

«And now hug» 

Dorcas instructed from the side. They obliged and Sirius let out a relieved sigh when the familiar frame of his friend’s body pressed against his.

«I’ve missed you»

Sirius said squeezing her.

«Me too» 

«And I was done listening to her complaining about you» 

Dorcas added crashing on them so that they now were a knot of laughing limbs.

«So what about your problem?» 

Marlene asked once they were all free from each other.

«How much time do you have?» 

**Thursday, 03:00 p.m.**

«So you kissed him, he ran away because he has a boyfriend and now he doesn’t reply to your texts?»

Marlene summarized before blowing on her coffe.

«And he wasn’t at school today»

«Maybe he’s just feeling guilty about all of it»

Sirius shook his head. He didn’t want to indulge in his own fantasies but he saw Remus’ face when he had mentioned Gideon and he looked scared not guilty.

«There’s something wrong with this whole thing» 

«Okay» Marlene began «talk to him in person, make him explain and most importantly make him choose. If you really like him then tell him it’s either you or his current boyfriend»

«Yes, I’m doing that»

Marlene smiled at him and took his hands in hers. She knew it wasn’t her place to talk about certain things however Sirius had reached a breakthrough therefore he deserved to know what had been hidden to him.

«After you’re done with this boy, you really should talk to James»

**Thursday, 06:00 p.m.**

Sirius took a deep breath before knocking on the Lupin’s door. He knew he had to be prepared to face anything, even a harsh reject however he wasn’t ready to take in the image that welcomed him but then how could he? Remus was wrapped in a blanket, with his hair ruffled and swollen eyes. He looked like he had been crying and his knuckles were split open.

«Hi mum… Sirius?»

«I shouldn’t have come»

Sirius managed to say in a whisper. Remus sighed heavily and gestured him to come in after all there was no point in delaying the inevitable.

«What happened to you?»

Sirius asked once the front door closed behind their backs.

«Tea?»

Remus retorted in a poor attempt at deflating the question. Sirius looked at him stubbornly.

«Alright I’m going to answer but please take a sit I really can’t stand right now»

Sirius reached for a chair but Remus gently pushed him to the couch. They both sat in silence staring at each other with unspoken fear.

«So what do you want to know?»

«Are you sick? You look like shit»

Remus sank in the cushion and brought his knees up to his chest so that he could rest his head on them.

«I had a panic attack yesterday night and a couple more today so yeah I’m feeling sick»

Sirius’ stomach clenched, he had a really bad feeling about it.

«Was it because of me? Because of what we did?»

«No, I…» Remus shook his head «fuck, listen it was because of what we did but it has nothing to do with you»

«How could that be possible?»

Sirius watched Remus breathing in shakily, he wanted to hug him tight to his chest and reassure him but at this point, he didn’t know what he was allowed to do anymore.

«It’s because I like you and I want to be with you but I can’t leave Gid. He’s…»

Remus stuttered on his words almost as if he had suddenly become incapable of speaking. Siriustook his hand and brushed it as gently as possible.

«He is what?»

«When I first met Gideon we were in tenth grade, I was friend with his brother but then I went MIA because Gid became obsessed with me. In that same period I dowloaded a dating app just for fun, I wasn’t being serious about it, fuck I was barely sixteen! Anyway I met someone on the app, a bloke called Fenrir, at first he was amazing but then he started asking for photos and videos, explicit things and I just… I fell for it. Turns out Fenrir didn’t exist, he was Gideon cat fishing me and collecting allthose pics I sent and now he’s… he’s blackmailing me. Either I stay with him or he publish everything and I can’t… my mom already went through a lot with my dad cheating on her and then the divorce and my stupid panic attacks and this whole thing can’t come out and I just… I can’t breathe anymore and I’m scared that if I… if _we,_ he will know Sirius and he will ruin my life»

Remus sobbed quietly, a lonely tear fell on his cheek. Sirius cupped his face and pressed their foreheads together.

«I promise you, we will find a way to get you out of this»

Remus leaned on him and Sirius wrapped his arm around his shoulder.

«It’s okay, you’re not alone anymore»

«He’ll ruin your life too»

Sirius chuckled softly and pressed a kiss on Remus’ head.

«Don’t worry about that, I have nothing left to lose»


	8. south bank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> notes of the day: 
> 
> \- maybe try to avoid having sex in public, I mean if you must,,,,,but anyway.  
> \- i promise you that I am not encouraging cheating but jegulus always manages to take over my ideas.  
> -speaking of jegulus I have decided that "somebody else" by the 1975 and "before you go" by Lewis Capaldi are their songs and y'all will never know why because you don't know anything about their background story (unless you're interested in reading it because I have loosely written it down)  
> \- if you want to ask me anything/trash on me click [here](https://ceo-of-regulus-black.tumblr.com)

**Friday, 07:30 a.m.**

Sirius woke up to the shooting sound of running water. He blinked a few times to readjust his eyes to the dim light of the early morning and slowly took the unfamiliar surrounding in: Remus’ bedroom was still mostly unpacked. Cardboard boxes were ripped open but otherwise untouched and a couple of books lay forgotten on the floor. The weighted blanket Remus threw on them the previous night, was now ruffled at the bottom of the mattress and Sirius took the opportunity of an empty bed to stretch his limbs. When the pelting stopped, Remus walked in the room, freshly showered, and in a clean pair of sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. If anything, Sirius felt his heart soaring: the domesticity of that sight was so palpable that it almost hurt him. He selfishly wished to be able to witness it for the rest of his life.

«Good morning» 

«Come back to bed»

Remus chuckled but joined Sirius on the bed nonetheless. He reached for a rolled joint on his nightstand but Sirius rolled on top of him to stop the motion. 

«You know» He began kissing Remus, their lips moved slowly against each other savoring every moment and cherishing every inch of skin they found. Remus tasted of toothpaste and Sirius hoped that his morning breath wasn’t as bad as he remembered it to be. «I read that drugs worsen panic attacks»

Remus scoffed but pecked on Sirius’ nose.

«Are you a doctor?» 

«No but I opened wikipedia last night»

Sirius dove in the other boy, working his way through his jawline to his neck. He rested his lips on the boy’s Adam apple, not kissing him brushing his mouth against it.

«You know what we should do?»

Remus hummed and Sirius smiled against his skin. 

«We should have a nice breakfast and then go on a walk»

«We have school» 

«Fuck school, I want to be with you» 

Remus sighed and gently pushed Sirius away. Kissing and cuddling in bed was nice but unfortunately a rather messed up life weighted on Remus’ shoulders and he couldn’t ignore it.

«You know we can’t»

Sirius shook his head, he knew there was an escape to that situation although Remus couldn’t see it yet.

«Listen, dad is… well James’ dad, is a lawyer, he can help you»

Remus bit his bottom lip thoughtfully and Sirius couldn’t help but kiss him again.

«He’ll laugh at me» 

«Why?»

Remus sighed heavily.

«Because I was stupid to send those photos to begin with»

«You weren’t, it can happen to anyone and _we_ are going to solve this okay?» 

«Okay» 

**Friday, 09:00 a.m.**

They ended up having breakfast at a little bakery near Remus’ house - although only Sirius managed to eat something solid - and then headed out to South Bank. Remus laughed his lungs out when he understood that Sirius was dragging him to a muddy shore strap near the Thames. «How romantic»

He teased once they sat on the grey sand.

«It was the first thing that came in to my mind okay?»

«Okay, fine»

Sirius pouted and Remus took the chance to kiss his bottom lip and sucked softly on it. A moan escaped Sirius’ mouth and Remus took it as a hint to press himself against his body and push him on the shore. Sirius’ arms wrapped around Remus to get him even closer to him, the idea of their bodies melting together was so overwhelming that Sirius whined just at the mere thought of it. Remus chuckled and propped on his elbows to look the other in the face.

«As much as I love these little sounds coming from you, we are in public so I do have to restrain myself» 

«I wished you didn’t have to»

Sirius teased him and purposefully jerked his hips up which made Remus whimper.

«Sirius»

He cried out resting his face on the other’s neck crease. Sirius slowly brushed his hands along Remus back and began leaving small kisses on his head. 

«Sirius»

Remus’ breathy voice made Sirius’ head spin and blood rushed from the pit of his stomach through his legs and feet.

«Fuck»

He muttered. Remus was right there, on top of him, vulnerable and panting and he couldn’t do anything about it.

«Fuck»

The other echoed before biting him on the neck.

«Fuck, Sirius, fuck»

Remus’ hands flew under the collar of Sirius’ t-shirt, he pulled it down to expose the skin beneath it and then leaned forward to kiss and lick his collarbones. Sirius tried to bit back his moans which only resulted in him breathing heavily and whining. Remus rolled his hips and their growing erections brushed painfully together.

«Remus, Remus, we should… _ah, fuck_ »

«We should fuck?»

«We should stop and get back to your house?»

Remus hummed but proceeded to kiss him instead. Sirius thought that the boy’s tongue work, was even better in real life than it was in his fucking wet dream. Their hips jerked against each other in a spasmodic research for friction and Sirius grabbed Remus’ arse to press him against himself.

«Oh fuck, wait»

Remus whispered and readjusted himself on to of Sirius.

«Now, now’s good»

They easily picked a pace to follow and blissfully swung against each other, panting and moaning softly.

«Remus, I…»

Sirius cried out before coming shortly followed by the other. 

«We just came in our pants»

«Yes»

«And we have to take the tube to get back to yours»

«Yes»

«Oh God» 

They both laughed at the thought of it, it was gonna be awkward.

«Rem?»

«Mhm»

«I’ve never done this before with a guy, you’re my first»

Sirius admitted shyly. Remus smiled fondly at him and kissed him chastely on the lips.

«I wish you were my first so that I could have nice memories about it»

**Friday, 05:45 p.m.**

«No, shit! That hurts, stop, please!»

James whimpered as Regulus pressed on his lower back. His spine injury had been healing nicely throughout the year however it was easily triggered which was why he was now spending his day in excruciating pain.

«Fucking Snivellus, I’m gonna kill him»

«James please don’t say that»

Regulus tried to reason as he helped him roll on his back. James hissed due to the discomfort of it but managed to change position nonetheless.

«He did it on purpose»

«You’re telling me that Severus pushed you on purpose?» 

«Yes! He waited for me to be with my back to the wall and then fucking pushed me, everybody at school knows about the injury, Reg. Fucking hell, I was in a wheelchair for months!» 

«I know, I was there» 

Regulus whispered as he sat next to him. James sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose:of course Regulus already knew all of that after all they were still together back then.

«Do you remember what we did when you came with me to the physiotherapist?» 

He asked. Regulus smiled to himself and nodded eagerly.

«When you were starting to walk again, right?» 

«Yes»

Regulus remembered far too clearly how James would ask him to stand at the end of the path he had to walk so that once he was done with it, he could flop on him and kiss him. It was - as James used to say - a way motivate himself.

«Do you want to kiss me now?» 

The older asked hesitantly.

«Can I?»

«Yes, please» 

Regulus cupped James’ face and connected their mouths with a deep sigh. It had been _too long_ since the last time the had done it. James parted his lips and welcomed back the familiar warmth of Regulus’ tongue against his. They both tried not to move their bodies around since even the smallest change might have caused pain to rush through James’ spine.

«Did you mean it? When you said you still love me?» 

Regulus asked, he had been thinking about it for days. When they broke up, they still were in love with each other however the younger had been wondering if time (and well, Lily) had possibly changed how James felt about him.

«Yes, yes I did. I do love you» 

They were so caught up in the moment that they didn’t even noticed the front door closing somewhere near them until Sirius appeared in the living room.

«Prongs! What the hell are you doing?» 

Regulus and James broke apart and looked at Sirius with wide eyes: they were fucked.

«Pads, i promise you I can explain everything!» 


	9. sex talks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not me being in a different time zone from anybody else on this site and having no clue when you guys are sleeping, awake, at school or idek where. 
> 
> as per notes of the day:
> 
> \- habibi (حبيب) means: "a person one loves", "my love", "my darling"  
> \- sage tea is an Arabic tea typically served after a meal because it aids digestion.  
> \- yes, I'm giving James an Arabic heritage because we like being multicultural here.  
> \- sex is fun when there's consent  
> \- if you don't care about jegulus, just skip to the Saturday bit (but you're missing out).

**Friday, 06:20 p.m.**

«Pads, I promise you, I can explain everything» 

Sirius fell silent as he breathed in hard from his nose; what he had just witnessed didn’t make sense.

«James, you were kissing my brother, my baby brother» 

He spoke slowly dragging each word through thin air and staring somewhere in between the two boys.

«I’m sixteen Sirius» 

Regulus scoffed but the older cut him off with an annoyed wave as he only seemed to be interested in what his best friend had to say. James sighed heavily and shoved a hand through his hair.

«Yes Sirius, I was kissing your brother and I… _we,_ kissed quite a lot last year»

Sirius began pacing the room trying to make any sense out of that new piece of information he was given. He knew that James and Regulus had got closer but that? What was he supposed to think about it?

«But why?» 

He asked eventually. James had to bit back a laugh and Regulus rolled his eyes clearly done with his older brother stupidity.

«Why do you think?» 

He asked as he placed a hand on James’ thigh who - on the other hand - blushed furiously at the contact. Sirius mouthed something without being able to say anything.

«God Sirius, we were together okay? James was my boyfriend»

« _Was_ your boyfriend?»

Sirius asked looking for James’ eyes just to found them staring at the ground, he looked sad all of sudden.

«We broke up»

He managed to blurt out and at that, Regulus’ hand left his thigh. James’ face turned in to a grimace almost as if the loss of contact caused him a whole lot of pain.

«Why?»

Sirius asked.

«Our dearest mother»

Regulus replied flatly.

«Does she know?»

The younger shrugged.

«She suspected it. We were naive one time and Cissa saw us then she told Bellatrix who told our mother who well… took precautions»

Sirius flinched at that. He could only imagine what kind of precautions their mother must’ve taken.

«Did she hurt you?» 

«A little»

James scoffed in annoyance.

«Are you kidding me? _A little?_ You were a fucking walking bruise»

«It doesn’t matter James, really» 

Regulus said softly and cupped James’ face. Sirius cleared his throat just to remind them that he was - in fact - still there.

«Why haven’t you told me?» 

The younger sighed deeply before giving him a coy smile.

«You had just moved to the Potters and then James had the accident and we just didn’t want youto deal with this too» 

«And» James added quietly «we were trying to hide it from everybody because of your parents but that didn’t turn out well» 

Sirius nodded thoughtfully.

«I wished I knew tho»

«I’m sorry» 

**Friday, 09:30 p.m.**

Sirius blew on his cup of sage tea and waited for James to join him on the couch. He limped a bit due to his back pain but other than that, he was recovering just fine.

«I skip school one day and that’s what happen» 

James flipped him off and sat carefully next to him. Thankfully a simple shove, although painful, wasn’t enough to fracture his vertebrae again.

«Where were you by the way?»

Sirius felt his cheeks going warm and gulped his tea just to hide his face in the cup. James gave him an amused look.

«So what are you hiding?»

«Says the one who hid his relationship with my brother»

«Sirius please»

«Alright sorry» Sirius sighed as he tried to put his thoughts in to words «I was… with Remus»

«Cool, doing what?» 

«Making out» 

James almost spit his tea at that. He coughed loudly due to the hot drink stuck in his throat and gestured Sirius to further elaborate his statement. 

«Uhm, so… I think I’m not straight» 

«You _think_?» 

Sirius pecked him playfully on the leg.

«Yes James, I think I’m not straight and I like Remus. I like him so much that I just want to kiss him and touch him all the time. Are you happy now?» 

«Very happy»

«That’s why…» Sirius murmured hesitantly «that’s why I wished I kew about you and Reg. I was worried about your reaction and I just… I wish I knew I could talk to you»

«Padfoot, I’m so sorry» 

James put down his cup and pulled his friend in to a bone breaking hug. Sirius held tight on him and sobbed quietly in his shoulder.

«It’s okay, I’m here now, I’m here» 

«There’s a problem tho» Sirius said after a while. James waited patiently for him to be able to say everything he needed out loud «Remus’ boyfriend, Gideon, he’s blackmailing him therefore he can’t break up with him» 

«What do you mean?»

Once Sirius explained their situation, James shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He was furious (although even that was an understatement) but remained calm for his best friend’s sake. After all he knew he had to be the rational half of the duo considering that Sirius easily gave in to his emotions.

«We need to talk to dad, I’m sure he can help Remus with this whole thing. Fucking bastard, that Gideon» 

«I know, thank you James»

James nudged him on the shoulder and then rested his legs in Sirius’ lap; it was unusual for them to be quiet while being together but in that moment, even the smallest noise seemed out of place.

«James?» 

«Mhm?» 

«What about Lily?»

James brushed his eyes with the heel of his hand and let out a tired sigh.

«I love her, I really do, she’s amazing and all but Regulus is… he’s always in my mind an it’s different with him. I think he’s my _habibi_ »

Sirius scoffed.

«You think?» 

He remembered clearly when a very drunk James told him that he had sworn to only call his deepest and strongest love with an Arabic love name.

«Nah, I know he is» 

**Saturday, 10:15 a.m.**

«Come here, please?» 

Remus mumbled from under a blanket. Sirius smiled fondly at him, he felt drunk just by looking at him.

«We can’t stay in bed all day, I came here to study»   
He said with a huff but got under the covers nonetheless. Remus hummed and wrapped himself against him, tangling their legs together and hiding his face in the crease of his neck. Sirius shivered when Remus’ hot breath hit his skin.

«We can study later»

«Alright as you wish. I talked with James by the way»

«How did it go?»

Remus asked and brushed his lips against Sirius’ jawline before biting it softly which made the other chuckle.

«It went good, I can’t believe I was scared of talking to him»

«How does it feel to be out?»

Sirius brushed Remus’ hair as he thought about it. He surely felt like someone lifted a weight from his shoulders but he was also scared of what would come next.

«I think it feels good but it’s also nerve wracking»

«It’s okay, it’ll get easier»

«Kiss me?»

Remus moved on top of Sirius and kissed him slowly backing up with a small laugh every time theother parted his lips to have more.

«Fuck off teaser»

Sirius complained and cupped Remus’ face to deepen the kiss.

«Have you ever… like, had sex with a guy?»

He asked shyly once they broke apart. Remus straighten up and sat on his lap so that he could look at him in the face.

«Yes, yes I have»

«Oh, okay»

Sirius bit his bottom lip and tentatively brushed his hands on his boyfriend’s thighs. He knew that what they had done the other day was supposed to lead them somewhere else, somewhere more intimate but he wasn’t sure he was ready, _yet._

«Would you mind if we don’t have sex for a while?»   
He asked and stumbled on his own words due to his nervousness.

«Of course I don’t mind, why would I?» 

Sirius shrugged.

«I don’t know, sex’s important right?»

Remus gave him a quick kiss before replying.

«It’s important but I don’t care if you don’t want to have sex right now, I just want to be with you as long as you’re comfortable»

«We can try other things tho, I just don’t feel like I can handle the whole thing for now» 

Remus nodded. Sirius looked adorable when he was all flustered and insecure about himself.

«What would you like to try?» 

«I don’t know, just being touched I guess?»

«Okay, shirt off» 

Remus helped Sirius getting rid of his shirt and then pushed him down the bed.

«I’m gonna kiss you around your stomach, is that okay?»

Sirius nodded and held his breath when Remus leaned on him to trace a warm path of kisses along his abdomen and all the way down his navel. He traveled back up and brushed his lips against Sirius’ nipple making him moan softly.

«Can I try something?»

He asked and waited for Sirius to give him another nod before sucking on that sensitive area. Sirius’ noises got louder and he tangled his hands in Remus’ hair.

«Feels good?»

«Yes»

«Want me to do that again?»

«Yes»

Despite himself, Sirius’ hips jerked up when Remus sucked on his nipples again.

«Sorry, I… sorry»  
«It’s okay, love, it’s a normal reaction. Do you want me to do something about it?»

«I don’t know?»

«Okay then kiss me?»

Sirius craned his head up and kissed Remus heatedly. He felt both of their erections brushingtogether but the idea of rocking again against each other felt quite lame.

«I can… we can, oh god I feel so fucking stupid»

Sirius cried out.

«Do you want to stop?»

«No, I really want you to touch me but I also don’t feel ready»

Remus kissed him on the forehead and sat back up.

«You can touch yourself and I can watch»

«Will you touch yourself?» 

Remus hummed softly.

«Only if you want me to»

«Yes, yes I want you to»

Sirius sat up to mirror Remus and then pushed his pants down finally releasing some pressure from his hard cock. He locked eyes with the other boy as he wrapped a hand around himself. He waited for Remus to do the same before starting to stroke his length and circling a thumb around the tip whenever his hand was high enough. He moaned loudly when he saw Remus staring at him and masturbate at the same time.

«Fuck»

Sirius leaned on Remus and rested his head on his shoulder crease while quickening the pace of his strokes.

«You’re beautiful»

Sirius whined when they both came in a messy surge of pleasure and fell back on the bed.

«We need to stop making a mess when we do this»

Remus noted hinting at the bed sheets. Sirius laughed under his breath and pulled him closer to his chest.

«We’ll clean everything up later» 

«Yes, later» 


	10. bathtub.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- alright so, this chapter is quite short but that's because it works as a link between two part of the story so I needed it for plot development. 
> 
> \- enjoy the mild fluff in here because next chapter will be the begging of huge downfall (spoiler? maybe).

**Saturday, 11:30 a.m.**

With Remus’ warm body pressed against his side, Sirius, drifted easily to sleep. He was buried deep in his dreams when someone shook him violently to wake him up.

«What? What happened?» 

He mumbled as he tried to focus on the environment around him.

«I need you to hide, please» 

Remus said with urge trying to push him off the bed.

«What?»

«Sirius please, Gideon wants to face call and he can’t see you here»

«Okay, okay, I’m hiding» 

Sirius slid on the floor and crawled under the bed frame laying flat against the carpet. It was a weird reminder of those times in Grimmuald Place where he and Regulus would hide away from their mother hoping not to get beaten again. Usually it didn’t work.

«Hi!» 

Sirius heard Remus say. His jaw clenched painfully when Gideon’s eager voice filled the room.

«What are you doing?»

«Uhm, I took a nap but now I have to do my homework so—»

«Your bed’s undone» 

Gideon cut him off.

«I was sleeping»

There were a few moments of silence before Gideon spoke again.

«Yes but it’s too messy»

Remus swallowed hard but gave him the brightest smile he could possibly master in that situation.

«Mom slept here with me early this morning before her shift»

«Oh, why’s that?» 

«Panic attack»

Gideon laughed at that almost as if Remus was telling him the funniest joke on earth. Sirius really wanted to punch him.

«Right, I need to go now» 

«No» 

Remus sighed and tightened his grip on the phone.

«What now?»

«I want to see you touching yourself»

«I really don’t feel good today» 

He stuttered on each word, his voice already soaked in panic.

«And I don’t care, you surely aren’t camera shy, are you?»

«No»

Sirius wanted to jump out and tell the slimy monster to fuck off but instead, he restrained himself for Remus’ sake. They were going to report him, that was for sure.

«Let me just get to the bathroom»

«No, I want you on the bed» 

«But Gid…»

Remus ventured a look at his side knowing well that Sirius was there and that he was listening to them and he didn’t want Sirius to witness that; he didn’t want Sirius to feel any different about him because of what he was being forced to do.

«Alright but make it quick»

Sirius crawled on his side, suddenly he had become the powerless witness of a violation. He kept quiet as he listened to Gideon’s vulgar remarks and to Remus’ labored breath. He was acting different than how he had with him: he didn’t moan, he didn’t pant, he didn’t even say anything. He just got done with the thing very much like how he would have done with an annoying task.

«Okay bye» 

Remus said before throwing the phone away and running to the bathroom. Sirius followed him shyly and sat beside him as he kneeled in front of the toilet.

«I think I need to puke» 

He whispered as he angrily wiped tears away from his face.

«It’s okay»

Sirius brushed his side tracing softly every bone that popped out of his skin.

«It’s okay because I’m here now and we will get you out of this situation»

Remus nodded and cupped Sirius’ face.

«Can I kiss you?»

«Yes, please» 

**Saturday, 12:30 p.m.**

«You have never told me anything about yourself» 

Remus said as he rested on his boyfriend’s chest. Sirius wrapped his arms around him and pulled him even closer. They both felt so vulnerable in the small space of the bathtub surrounded by warm water.

«What do you want to know?»

Sirius asked as he kissed Remus’ on the neck sending a shiver down his spine.

«I don’t know, everything I guess» 

«Mhm, okay. Well, my parents run the Blacks’s pharmaceutical company which is just a facade to traffic heroin, I have a younger brother who’s set up to inherit the company and becoming an olympic swimmer. He was supposed to just be a swimmer but now that I’m disowned he has to be both. I hate my mother and I don’t live with them anymore»

Remus reached out to massage his scalp and hummed softly.

«Where do you live then?»

«At James’»

Sirius’ replied in a sigh as he gave in Remus’ touch.

«I like him, he seems nice» 

Sirius nodded eagerly.

«He is and you?»

Remus tilted his head to kiss him lavishly before answering.

«Well I live with my mom, as you know. She has recently divorced because my dad cheated on her. He has a new girlfriend and she’s pregnant, a girl. I have two amazing best friends in Wales: Alice and Frank and that’s it really»

They both remained silent for a while as Sirius worked his way through Remus’ back leaving open mouth kisses and sucking the skin every few inches.

«You really should talk to James’ dad about Gideon» 

Remus sighed heavily and turned around to face Sirius which meant that he was now sitting weirdly on his lap with his legs bent around him.

«I will»

«Yes?»

«Yes»

Sirius kissed him again, more frantically this time and pushed him against the bath frame. Remus pulled his hair to make his head tilt and pecked him on the nose before assaulting his neck.

«Just promise me you won’t leave» 

«I won’t» 

**Sunday 09:15 a.m.**

_New message from Marlene: five’s fine, see you on Monday._

_New message from Prongs: mom wants to know if you need anything from the store._

_New message from Regulus: I can’t, I’m at the pool all day._


	11. hacked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you probably saw this coming, right?

**Monday, 05:00 p.m.**

Convincing Remus to talk to Fleamont turned out to be way harder than Sirius had originally thought. For one Remus wouldn’t speak properly and Sirius had to force things out of his mouth. Mr. Potter patiently listened to him and nodded reassuringly each time Remus took a long break to gather his thoughts.

«Well that’s tricky» 

He said when they were done with the explanations. Sirius felt his heart sink in his chest and squeezed Remus’ hand.

«Why is that?» 

The boy asked reciprocating Sirius’ squeeze. He felt extremely lightheaded but having Sirius right there, helped him to stay grounded.

«The thing is: we can and will report Gideon however since the photos were sent to someone who doesn’t actually exist and since there wasn’t any public display of them, I’m afraid that the case will go unnoticed» 

«Oh»

Sirius held his breath as the weight of those words crashed on him, _on them._ Remus let go off of his hands to dig his nails deep down his own forearms and took a shaky breath.

«So I’m stuck» 

He said in a whisper. Fleamont softened his gaze before looking at him and then shook his head.

«You aren’t. With a report, this guy will have a tag on his back and he will be forced to leave you alone. You can start living again Remus»

Remus nodded but kept his eyes somewhere on the floor.

«Thank you» 

After that came a heated phone called with Gideon. Sirius sat still on his bed while Remus paced across the room trying to reason with the guy.

«No, you got it right: I _am_ breaking up with you»

Remus tapped his foot on the floor, the hand that wasn’t holding the phone shook lightly.

«I don’t care, you don’t own me anymore»

An aimless laugh filled the room. Sirius eyed Remus’ chest, he was worried that it would began to rise and fall frantically as he wasn’t sure how to handle a panic attack if it had to happen right there.

«I pressed charges against you so you can’t blackmail me anymore»

A beat of silence. Two. Three. A sigh.

«Okay, bye»

Remus threw the phone away and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hands. He looked wrecked and relieved at the same time.

«That was fucking scary»  
He said eventually and joined Sirius on the bed. Sirius hugged him tightly and pressed a couple of kisses on his head.

«I’m proud of you, love»

Remus groaned at the back of his throat and detangled himself from Sirius.

«Don’t call me like that» 

There was a hint of pleading in his voice. Sirius frowned, somehow he felt hurt by that.

«Why not?» 

«Because you don’t really love me, Sirius»

Sirius scoffed and crossed his arms at his chest. He wasn’t sure whether that was meant to be self reassuring or self defensive.

«You don’t know how I feel about you, you don’t know anything» 

He stated matter of factly. Remus rolled his eyes and held back a snort.

«Sirius you said it yourself: I am your first guy ever. That’s not love that’s a crush, an infatuation, something that will wear off with time»

Sirius stared at him blankly. Something in his chest snapped and broke causing him a whole lot of pain. Was that Remus right in front of him? Or was it his mother? His father? Literally anyone out of those who made him feel miserable and incapable of love for the longest time?

«Why are you saying that?»

He whispered and bit back some tears that he wasn’t willing to let go.

«I’m just being honest» 

«You made me promise not to leave you and now you’re acting like this… what is wrong with you?»

Remus sighed and stood up.

«I have to go, sorry»

**Monday, 07:20 p.m.**

«And he just left?»

Marlene asked scooping some ice-cream from the family sized box they were sharing.

«Yep»

«That’s fucked up, Pads» 

James interjected between mouthfuls. Sirius sighed and stirred aimlessly in his bowl.

«I don’t know what happened, I don’t understand» 

Marlene tapped a spoon on her chin thoughtfully. Both James and Sirius stared at her waiting for a response very much like she was an oracle and they needed her words to carry on.

«Did you have sex?»

Sirius felt his cheeks burning and blurted out some senseless strings of words before regaining his composure.

«No, why?»

«Well then he wasn’t with you just for the sex»

«There might still a possibility» 

James said lightheartedly. Sirius shoved him and gave him a slap on the neck.

«Idiot» 

Marlene hummed at that.

«He indeed is an idiot because if Remus was with you just for the sex then he wouldn’t have left all of a sudden so there’s more but I have no idea of what it might be» 

«Maybe he’s just nervous because of everything that’s been going on» 

«Maybe» 

The three of them fell in a comfortable silence, happy to just enjoy each other presence until a thought - a rather uncomfortable thought - popped in Sirius’ mind.

«Prongs you didn’t have sex with my brother, did you?»

James chocked on the ice-cream and coughed loudly. Marlene patted him on the back as shebarely managed to keep her laugh in.

«N-no, of course I didn’t» 

«James don’t lie to me!» 

Sirius whined as he threw himself on him.

«Well okay, not while we were together, a month after his sixteen birthday and _before_ Lily»

«God, now I’m not sure I’m not sure I really wanted to know, oh my ears! I need to throw up»

«Idiot»

**Tuesday, 08:50 a.m.**

Sirius’ stomach clenched and unclenched painfully as he waited for Remus to arrive. School was due in ten minutes and he was sure that Remus was coming. Relief washed over him when he spotted the boy’s familiar scrawny figure.

«Hey» 

Sirius greeted him with a shy smile.

«I’m sorry»

Remus shot back not skipping a beat.

«I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said those things, I do lo… I _care_ about you and I was a dickhead»

«You were a dickhead but I also care about you and I want to be with you»

Remus smiled and pressed their foreheads together before closing the small space between their lips. In that moment, Sirius found out that he didn’t ever care if people saw them. Sure he wasn’t officially out yet but _that,_ that was a great way to tell the whole world he was madly in love with Remus Lupin. Sirius deepened the kiss and let out a breathy laugh in the process.

«Wait, my phone’s buzzing, it’s probably my mum and I promised her to answer»

Remus pulled away a few inches and reached for his phone; his smile faded away as soon as he unblocked it.

«Fuck, fuck, fuck»

«What? What happened?» 

Sirius asked feeling Remus’ anxiety deep down in his bones.

«Fuck, I… fuck»

Sirius took ahold of the phone and froze when he saw it: _“I told you I was gonna have fun, I do have a charge against me anyway so enjoy the show”_ a screen cap of Remus’ Instagram followed the message, it was… graphic was the only thing Sirius could think of.

«He hacked you»

Remus scoffed and brushed roughly his face.

«He posted them, they’re all over, I… I can’t fucking breathe»

Sirius took a shaky breath as Remus gave in on him. People around them started laughing all of a sudden and Sirius felt his phone buzz, he had an idea of what that meant but decided to ignore it nonetheless.

«We’re leaving, now. Come on»


	12. floors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen, I find floors comforting and I always sit on the floor when I have a mental breakdown.

**Tuesday, 10:00 a.m.**

Remus fidgeted throughout the whole tube journey. Sirius kept holding his hand and periodically brushed the back of it with his thumb. He could feel Remus’ anxiety running through his whole body and soon enough, they were both struggling with breathing. Once they arrived at the Lupins, Remus rushed to the bathroom and curled up under the sink. Sirius sat beside him and rested his head on his knees so that he could keep an eye on him without being too intrusive.

«Hey»

He whispered. Remus shook his head and crawled even more on himself.

«Just give me a minute, please»

«Okay»

Sirius gently nudged his foot against Remus’ and patiently waited for him to do something, to say something. He felt powerless in front of the wall that Remus was silently building between them but he was also determined not to let him slide away after all, if there was something that Sirius Black knew how to fight, that was helplessness. Remus’ shoulders shook lightly as a quiet sob echoed in his chest, he was breaking down: shattered by something he couldn’t even control.

«I knew it» 

Remus said and he brushed tears away from his cheeks.

«I knew he was gonna do it. He told me that I would regret my decision but I just… I guess I hoped he wouldn’t actually do this. I’m so stupid»

Sirius moved closer and tentatively brushed his arm.

«You’re not, you couldn’t be certain about it»

«It’s my fault Sirius, I sent those photos, I was naive about it, I… why are you even here anyway?»

Sirius’ jaw clenched tightly at that. He knew that Remus was talking out of shock however the feeling of not being welcomed punched him hard in the guts.

«Don’t push me away, please» 

«You don’t want to be with me, trust me Sirius» 

Sirius groaned out of frustration and pulled his hair, hard, harder, in the same way he did in Grimmuald Place when his mother made him feel invisible.

«Stop it Remus you don’t know what you’re saying» 

«I _know»_

Remus shoved him away and Sirius found himself stumbling at the other end of the bathroom.

«Why are you acting like this?» 

«I’m not acting in any way, this is me, you saw me. I make poor decision, I hurt people, I’ll only make you feel miserable so why would you even want to be with me»

Sirius bit back his tears: that was enough, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t handle someone else with a fucked up perception of love.

«Fuck you»

«You wish»

Somehow Sirius’ mind went blank and he allowed himself to turn in to the cold machine he was taught to be back in his childhood. Attack, wound, tear apart.

«Whore»

«Go away, Sirius»

**Tuesday, 03:50 p.m.**

«Padfoot let me in, please»

James knocked on his bedroom door. Once, twice, he was persistent.

«Come on Sirius, you’re not the one who should be weeping right now»

«Fuck off Prongs»

Sirius heard James sigh behind the door, he pounded one last time and swore loudly before giving up completely.

«You’re unbelievable. Can’t you just put your fucking ego on the side for once and understand that Remus said certain things because he’s in shock? I’m disappointed with you»

Sirius threw a book at the door and waited for James to go away but the silence on the other side suggested him that he was still there.

«All I’m saying is that you should at least try to see things from his perspective»

Sirius scoffed.

«I did and I know I wouldn’t have send nudes in the first place»

James kicked the door out of frustration. Reasoning with Sirius had always been a hard task to accomplish given how stubborn he was and sometimes, even James wasn’t in the right state of mind to patiently break things down with him.

«You’re blaming the wrong person Pads and you’re doing it just because you felt unwanted»

«I didn’t feel unwanted, I know I am» 

James took a deep breath mostly to gather his thoughts and not to lose his temper.

«You do realize that he did all of this just to stay with you right?»

Silence.

«Keep sulking things that aren’t real, I have better things to do today»

**Wednesday, 02:30 p.m.**

Remus wasn’t at school that day and nor was James. Sirius thought that it was for the best since it was rather impossible to go anywhere without bumping in to people talking about Remus. Some slut shamed him and others planned how to get in his pants given how _“kinky”_ the silent kid had proven to be. Sirius felt sick throughout the whole day but took the opportunity of being alone to actually try see things in Remus’ perspective. Sirius understood he was upset however he struggled to find an answer to why he had been brutally pushed away. Wasn’t he enough for Remus? Maybe he didn’t want a vulnerable boyfriend? Whatever that was, it led Sirius to Remus’ house. If tenderness wasn’t the right way to be with him then Sirius was willing to find something else, anything else.

«What do you want Sirius?» 

Remus asked with a deep sigh. Sirius barely gave him the time to close the door before pressing their lips together with roughness. He pushed Remus to the wall pinning him miserably and forced his hands under his t-shirt to stroke his skin.

«Sirius, Sirius stop»

Remus tried to slide away but Sirius pressed against him harder and bit at his neck.

«Sirius please, stop!» 

Sirius pulled away eventually and whined when Remus’ hand crashed against his cheek.

«What the hell Sirius? I told you no, I told you stop. What is wrong with you?»

Remus wiped some tears away and Sirius groaned in frustration. His mind was stirring and making sense out of it was impossible.

«My problem is that I don’t understand you. One day you tell me that you want to be with me and another day you push me away»

Remus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

«I was afraid you would change your mind about me after the photos got posted and maybe I was right» 

«No you weren’t! I just don’t know how to act to make you understand that I care and I don’t give a fuck about what you did. I thought that maybe I had to be rough to be liked»

«Come here» 

Remus reached an arm out for him and Sirius took his hand tentatively. Remus pulled him closer and guided him to sit on the floor.

«I already like you and you don’t have to be rough with me, it actually makes me feel uncomfortable»

«I’m sorry»

«That’s okay» 

Remus rested his head on Sirius’ chest and curled up at his side. Sirius hugged him tightly and kissed him on the top of the head.

«I like when you do that»

«What this?»

Sirius kissed him again and Remus chuckled softly.

«Yes, that»

«Well I like when you curl up on me»

«Mhm, would you lie down for me?»

«On the floor?»

Remus nodded and Sirius did as he was asked. Remus lay on him and rested his face in the crook of his neck to leave soft kisses on his skin.

«Now what?»

Sirius asked brushing Remus’ back.

«Now we stay like this until we fall asleep»

«What about your mum?»

Remus chuckled and kissed Sirius again, softly, like a peck.

«She won’t even question it»

_\- New text message from James: talked to dad, photos were taken down, he’ll take care of everything else. Tell Remus he’ll be okay, you’re welcome asshole. -_


	13. a love like this.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you know what? my original plan for this fic was f l u f f. turns out I'm only giving you angst.  
> also I'm sorry for any mistakes but my brain's currently working on three different languages and I mash everything up (grammar? we don't know her). 
> 
> \- the underlined texts is James' phone
> 
> \- also also this song: [basically the concept of this wolfstar](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpbB4OY87x4)

**Wednesday, 06:15 p.m.**

Sirius Black was an asshole and he realized it as soon as he woke up on the floor and with a sore back. He didn’t even had to blink twice to recollect the events of the evening and feel ashamed of how he had behaved. Remus wasn’t with him but Sirius could hear him rummaging in the kitchen therefore he sat up and joined him in the room. Remus smiled politely at him and paused the activity he had previously engaged to look at him.

«I think we need to talk» 

He said with a firm voice, he leaned on the counter maybe for stability or maybe to make Sirius aware of the barrier he was willingly putting between them.

«You freaked me out today»

Sirius ducked his head not sure of what he was supposed to say.

«I mean, at first you were gentle and then you called me a whore and then you basically assaulted me and… I don’t understand Sirius but that’s fucked up»

Sirius clenched his jaw but focused on breathing in and out of his nose. He knew that Remus was right however he felt like he couldn’t do anything to stop that tingling sensation inside of him that was demanding to hurt him.

«I’m sorry» 

He managed to mutter although through gritted teeth.

«You don’t look like you are»

«Remus I….»

Sirius took a deep breath and waited for his thoughts to make sense to him. There was so much to say but he didn’t know how to explain any of it.

«I felt like you didn’t want me anymore»

Remus pursed his lips and tapped his fingers on the counter.

«Even if I didn’t want you anymore that’s not how you should’ve acted»

Sirius shrugged despite himself.

«I just don’t deal good with rejection»

«But I wasn’t rejecting you, I was asking for space and time and honestly even if I was rejecting you, you still wouldn’t have the right to hurt me»

Remus clutched the counter and closed his eyes for a minute before looking back at Sirius who was nervously fidgeting with his hands.

«I’m sorry» 

He tried to reiterate but Remus shook his head with a sigh.

«Being sorry isn’t enough»

«Then why are you still talking to me? Why did you let me stay when you could’ve asked me to leave»

«I don’t know, that’s the problem»

Sirius let out an empty laugh. Once again he was the problem.

«Alright then I’ll leave»

«Yes, maybe you should» 

**Wednesday, 08:30 p.m.**

_New text message from Remus: thank you._

_Message sent to Remus: no need to thank me, you’re my friend._

**Thursday, 12:30 p.m.**

School was awkward to say the least. Sirius still shared the desk with Remus but didn’t talk to him unless it was to bicker. They even got to a point where McGonagall asked them to leave and cool down their spirits which was why they were standing in the bathroom in a rather heavy silence. Remus leaned on the widow still and lit a cigarette, Sirius wrinkled his nose.

«What now?» 

Sirius shrugged but kept quiet.

«I know you’re dying to say something so please, go ahead»

Sirius sighed and looked at him only to quickly divert his gaze to the floor.

«You know you shouldn’t smoke, it’s not good for you» 

Remus laughed and brushed his face with the heel of his hand.

«It’s just a cigarette, it’s not like I’m doing drugs» 

«But you do do drugs»

«Okay»

Remus took a long breath and gently guided Sirius’ chin up so that they could look at each other in the face. Sirius could tell Remus had been high at some point during the morning but despite the hollow look in his eyes, he still felt his stomach clenching in the exact moment their gazes met.

«It makes things easier for me. It makes me feel safe in my own mind and it also takes my mind off of all the shit I’ve been through with Gideon. Are they good for me? Fuck no but I don’t really care anymore»

Sirius moved his hand up to brush Remus’ cheek but thought better not to it and let his limb fall back along his side. Remus smirked at that and let go off of his chin.

«I’m sorry» 

Sirius whispered incapable of formulating anything else.

«You already said that» 

«I know but I am»

Remus hummed and tangled their fingers together. Sirius didn’t quite understand how despite everything - despite how much he messed up - they still lingered to each other. Like magnets.

«I have this big problem with you» 

Remus whispered and Sirius waited for him to elaborate, his eyes falling inevitably on the boy’s lips.

«The problem is that I just can’t stay away from you even if you have this messed up perception of relationship and affection —»

«Blame that on my family»

«— that’s not an excuse, Sirius» 

«I know»

Remus sighed and traced Sirius’ lips with his thumb.

«So I know this can’t work but the problem is that I want to be with you so bad» 

«Me too»

Remus smiled at him before closing the small distance between them and in a second, their lips were pressed together. Sirius sighed and nestled his hands in Remus’ hair while he pushed their bodies closer and closer. It was intoxicating and maybe even perfect but deep down, Remus knew it couldn’t last forever.


	14. right person, wrong time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- it's a short chapter but that's because it's a bridge chapter.   
> \- we're almost done.   
> \- I really don't want to post tomorrow's chapter because it HURTS SO BAD.   
> \- enjoy I guess.

**Thursday, 12:45 p.m.**

Sirius didn’t know how but _somehow_ he ended up in a bathroom stall with Remus’ hand shoved down his pants. Clearly their communication skills were lost somewhere along the line.

«Not… the best… way to solve… our problems»

Sirius panted out as he fell on Remus chest.

«No, no, it’s not»

Remus already knew that, of course he did however he found out he’d rather pretend that everything was fine than talk to Sirius and possibly lose him. Neither of them was perfect: Remuspushed people away because he constantly felt like he couldn’t fully trust anybody whereas Sirius didn’t know how to love healthy. He would turn in to a killing machine only at the idea of being cut out. It wasn’t right, it wasn’t healthy. It was something destined to end. So why not living it while they were at it? Why care if they could make the best out of what they had? Sirius shivered against Remus which made his strokes quicker and rougher. Remus kissed him on the neck and moved on to his jaw nibbling at the skin along the way.

«Oh, fuck»

Sirius stilled in Remus’ arms and gave in to pleasure with soft moans.

«Was it good?»

Remus asked and made Sirius turn to look at him in the face. Sirius nodded, his face was flushed and his lips parted, he was beautiful.

«Let me—» 

«No, it doesn’t matter»

Sirius frowned and tried to argue but Remus kissed him before anything else could come out of his mouth. He kissed him slowly trying to convey everything he wanted to say in the act: _I really like you, I don’t know if I can trust you, go away but please don’t leave me._

«Rem»

Remus shook his head and pressed their lips together again and again. He didn’t want to hear talking, he only needed Sirius’ warm body against his. 

«Don’t talk, don’t ruin it, please»

Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus and pulled him closer to deepen the kiss, it was scary how they seem to perfectly fit together.

«We need to go back to class»

«Yes, later, I promise»

**Friday, 02:15 p.m.**

Everything about Sirius was intoxicating. His laugh, his scent, his stormy grey eyes, _everything_ and Remus felt like he was getting drunk on him. When it came to Sirius, he never had enough.

«So basically the court will call us anytime soon now and then we’ll see what happen»

Remus explained while gently brushing Sirius’ hair with his fingers.

«I hope he gets what he deserves» 

«Me too but James’ dad says it’s rare for a minor to get any real punishment and we’re all seventeen so»

«I’m sorry»

Remus shrugged as he began to apply some pressure on Sirius’ temples. He knew Sirius was sorry about everything however he couldn’t shrug off the memory of how easily he had used the whole situation against him _just because he thought he was being rejected._ The manipulation in that was evident but Remus forced himself not to see it, not to care about it.

«I’ll go make some tea»

«Do you want me to come?»

«Don’t worry, stay here» 

Remus pressed a kiss on Sirius’ lips before padding to the kitchen to put the kettle on. He sighed deeply and leaned on the counter: he really didn’t know what he was getting in to, he just knew that whatever it was, he didn’t want to let go. The sound of a chair scraping the floor put him out of his misery and he looked up to meet his mother worried eyes.

«Is everything okay, cariad?»

Remus nodded.

«Yes, it’s fine I just… I just have a lot of things going on in my mind» 

Hope pursed her lips and moved closer to her son. After the whole Gideon fiasco, she became even more protective towards him.

«Something happened with the case?»

«No that’s going fine it’s… it really doesn’t matter mum»

Hope sighed and brushed some hair out of Remus’ eyes.

«You’re worried, I can see it»

Remus bit his bottom lips. Having that conversation with his mother while Sirius was waiting for him in his bedroom wasn’t ideal but there was no point in delaying it either.

«It’s Sirius. I really lo… care about him but I don’t think it can work out between us at least not right now»

«Right person, wrong time?»

«Something like that, yes»

Hope nodded and fetched a couple of mugs before speaking out again.

«Sometimes we need to grow on our own before being with someone else even if that someone is the right person for us. The idea of hurting together is nice but it’s only an idea and love can’t fix all the wounds. If he _is_ the one, he’ll come back»

«No I know, I know he’s the one» 


	15. one last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you already know I'm sorry but I have to say a couple of things: 
> 
> \- for wolfstar: «All I want is nothing more to hear you knocking at my door, 'cause if I could see your face once more, I could die a happy man I'm sure. But if you loved me, why'd you leave me?»
> 
> \- for jegulus: «So, before you go was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?»

«I just think we both need time to figure things out»

«So you’re breaking up with me»

«We were never together, were we?»

*** 

It happened two months after Remus left him, it began with James bursting in his room and rambling about Regulus _(«we need to find him Padfoot, he’s scaring the shit out of me»)_ and ended in Sirius standing in a morgue and staring at his dead brother. He drowned, allegedly. Suicide, allegedly. That was also the first time in two years that Sirius saw his parents, unfortunately they were still alive. Sirius didn’t even try to hold back and yelled at them until his throat felt painfully dry. 

«You did this to him!»

Walburga considered him for a few seconds with disgust splattered across her face. 

«He killed himself, Sirius. Turn your brain on for once»

«He did it because you made his life miserable»

He spat through gritted teeth. He wanted to jump at her and hurt her in the same exact way she had hurt him - _had hurt them_ \- but his limbs were frozen and heavy.

«It’s not our fault he was week» 

«You’re a monster» 

It was James who tugged Sirius out of the room before things could further escalate. His eyes were red and puffy and his lips split in two with dry blood hanging at each corner.

«Can you _please_ behave for five minutes?»

James pleaded him. Sirius scoffed and wrapped his arms around himself.

«How could you even ask? You know they did this to him!»

«Sirius please—»

«No James!»

James shoved him hard and Sirus stumbled back a few feet before hitting a wall.

«I know Sirius, I fucking know that they tore Reg’s mind apart but _please,_ I’m begging you, this is the last time I see him and if you piss your parents off they won’t let us in and I… I need to see him Pads»

It was then that Sirius realized it: he wasn’t the only one hurting. James looked as shattered as he felt and on the verge of breaking in million of pieces.

«I.. I’m sorry Prongs» 

James nodded and wiped some tears away.

«I’m sorry too»

For the first time in his life, Sirius, couldn’t find any comfort in James Potter so he did the only thing that felt reasonable: he went to Remus.

«Sirius what are you doing here?»

Sirius tried to explain but his eyes filled up with tears and his throat clenched leaving him without breath. He let himself fall in Remus’ arm and hung tightly on him.

«It’s okay, baby. I’m here, it’s okay»

Remus guided him inside and managed to get him on a couch. Sirius curled up on him and began to sob quietly, unable to say anything.

«It’s okay, I’m here, it’s okay»

Other than in school, they had both managed to stay away from each other however in that moment, Remus couldn’t help but bend to leave small kisses across Sirius’ neck and shoulders. It was far from a sexual gesture, it was simply his way to let Sirius know that he was there: he had got him no matter what. Sirius laced their finger together and proceeded to press their tangled hands against his lips. Remus let him do that not even caring about tears soaking his skin.

«Sirius, baby, what happened?» 

Sirius shook his head and took a shaky breath.

«He’s dead»

«Who’s dead?»

«Reg, Regulus… my baby brother, he’s dead»

«Shit» 

Remus pulled Sirius closer to him and hugged him tightly to his chest.

«Can we stay like this for a while? Can you just hold me please?»

Sirius asked pressing himself against Remus.

«Of course we can, love. You can stay here as long as you need»

«I know… I know this doesn’t mean anything and that we’re not together but I really like when you call me love, I just wish it didn’t take my brother’s death for you to do it»

Remus sighed and brushed his hands along Sirius’ spine before kissing him briefly on the mouth.

«It’s not because of your brother, it’s because I do love you»

Sirius chuckled which was already an oxymoron per se considering how his day was going.

«And yet you can’t stay with me»

«Let’s get you to bed, shall we?»

***

Graduation came in a blur and one day, Sirius found himself out of and done with high school. The Potters threw a party to celebrate their sons which was the only reason why Remus set foot again in their house.

«I need to tell you something» 

He blurted out at some point of the night and Sirius led him to his room to have some privacy.

«So?»

Remus sighed heavily before answering.

«I’m moving»

It was like being punched in the stomach several times.

«To Wales? Again?»

«No, I… I’m moving to Berlin for uni»

Sirius swallowed hard.

«And when will you come back?»

«I don’t know, I don’t really plan to come back»

Sirius bit the inside of his cheeks, he didn’t want to cry but he felt like his whole world had just been crashed.

«I love you Sirius»

«Stay with me one last time, please»

«Okay»

Remus cupped his face and kissed him slowly, Sirius brushed his hands along his back and then tugged gently at his hair. Remus moaned at that and Sirius smiled against his mouth. Sirius wanted to memorize every angle of his body, he needed to map it and to carve it in to his mind. He needed to hang on the memory for dear life. He pushed Remus on the bed and helped him to get out of his shirt before exploring his stomach with his hands: from the navel to the ribs, Sirius traced everything.

«You’re beautiful»

Remus laughed and pulled Sirius closer to kiss him, frantically this time.

«Clearly you haven’t seen yourself»

«Shut up and kiss me»

In that moment nothing else mattered other than their tangled limbs, the softness of their hands and the warmth of their lips. Sirius wanted to sink in that feeling.

«I want… I need to feel you in me»

«Are you sure?»

Sirius nodded and Remus kissed him on the forehead before readjusting himself between his legs.

«If you turn on your stomach, it won’t hurt as much»

«No, I want to see you»

Remus held his hand the whole time, he didn’t even let go when they messily came together.

«You’re crying baby, did it hurt?»

Sirius shook his head.

«No, no it was perfect»

«Why are you crying then?» 

Sirius kissed him for a long minute before answering.

«Because I love you and it doesn’t matter»

***

Sirius ran fast, he ran so fast his lungs began to burn but he couldn’t stop. He had to see Remus one last time, maybe even for the last time in his life.

«Remus!»

Remus turned on his heels and his eyes widened in surprise when he saw Sirius standing a few feet away from his gate.

«Sirius!» 

He rushed to him and hugged him tightly before pressing their lips together. Sirius tangled his hands in Remus’ hair while the other pressed against the small of his back to push him closer to his body.

«I needed to see you before you go»

Sirius whispered before connecting their mouths again. He tugged at Remus’ bottom lip and then licked it with a hum.

«I love you so fucking much»

«Come with me»

Remus whined and cupped Sirius’ face, amber melting in silver.

«I can’t, you know that»

«We’ll find something, Sirius, come with me please» 

Sirius kissed him one last time before pulling away.

«Promise me something?»

Remus nodded with tears coming out of his eyes.

«Don’t forget about me»


	16. family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof, I changed the ending so many time but alas I settled for this.  
> ANYWAY a huuuuuuuge thank you to all of those who read, commented and liked this fic it's crazy, thank you.

It took Sirius three weeks to purchase a ticket and fly to Berlin, _to Remus_ however he only took him three days to decide he was gonna marry him.

«We should marry» 

Sirius said one night when they were both tangled in bed under a heavy blanket. Remus snortedand shoved him with one shoulder before looking up from his book with a questioning look. Sirius

grinned at him and hummed a wedding march.

«You are insane Sirius» 

Sirius laughed and proceeded to spoon Remus knocking his book away in the process. Maybe he was insane.

«Sirius?»

«Mhm»

«Ask me in three years»

Sirius’ first month in Berlin was a waking nightmare. He spent most of his time pacing up and down the room he shared with Remus without any idea of what to do with his life. He hadn’t thought of applying for jobs before moving because - originally - he had planned to stay only for a couple of weeks however ever since things got serious, he couldn’t really afford not to do anything while Remus stressed over school _and_ his part time job.

«I don’t know Sirius, it’s not my problem!»

Remus snapped one day after Sirius’ daily laments.

«Oh, sorry, I thought we were supposed to figure things out as a couple»

He shot back. Remus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. They weren’t the perfect couple(they probably would never be) and they still needed to understand how to make things work between them however they had also decided to try and grow together, to hurt together.

«You’re right, I’m sorry love»

«You’re not buying me with the pet name»

Sirius pouted and gasped dramatically.

«Baby, come on, come here»

Sirius scoffed but sat on Remus’ lap nonetheless. He would have never admitted it out loud but he melted a little every time his boyfriend called him “baby”.

«What?»

He asked with forced casualness. Remus laughed and kissed him on the neck. Sirius sighed and leaned in the touch, cherishing the feeling of Remus’ warm mouth traveling up and down his skin.

Sirius tilted his head to have full access to his boyfriend’s mouth and pressed their lips in a long, lavishing kiss.

«Baby, we need to talk»

Sirius huffed and cupped Remus’ face to kiss every inch of it.

«Sirius, we can do this later but now we need to solve your problem»

«Alright»

Sirius whined but backed away: Remus was right, they needed to talk first.

«You know what? Do you remember the music shop down the street?»

«Yes, why?»

«They’re hiring, you can apply there and you could also teach kids how to play piano, you’re so good at it»

Sirius bit his bottom lip thoughtfully, it wasn’t a bad idea after all.

«Yes… yes, I can»

***

«Rem, have you seen my shoes?» 

«Nope, maybe Snuffles has them»

Sirius groaned and marched to the dog’s bed. That month Snuffles had already eaten four pairs of shoes and a rug.

«Dad, help!»

Teddy shouted somewhere upstairs.

«I’ve got it» 

Came Remus’ voice. Sirius paused for a moment and took a deep breath. What even was his life? During Remus’ last year of university, Mr. Schwarz - Sirius’ employer - died and left his orphan nephew behind. The kid was barely one year old and with no family so Sirius suggested to adopt him. That same day Sirius had the best sex of his life. After Remus’ graduation, they decided to move back to England (James buzzed with excitement when he received the news) and Remus easily found a job as a linguistic professor whereas Sirius began to teach piano at the conservatory. Sirius couldn’t believe of how things tuned out.

«Ready? We need to go»

Remus’ voice brought Sirius back to the land of living and he quickly engaged again with reality.

«Can Snuffles come?»

Teddy asked hanging from Remus’ arms.

«No, monkey, he can’t»

«But why?»

Sirius laughed and ruffled his son’s hair before fishing for his keys.

«Because dogs aren’t allowed to weddings»

«Why?»

«Because»

Remus began while opening the front door

«They can’t throw flowers to the bride, their paws aren’t useful at weddings»

Sirius laughed out loud before pulling Remus for a kiss. That was it: his husband was mental. Teddy frowned a bit as he considered his dad’s answer.

«Okay, I believe you»

«Great now can we please go? Lily will kill us if we’re late»

Sirius shut the door and took a moment to stare at his family: Remus was adjusting Teddy’s shirt but completely missed the chocolate smeared on his chin while the little boy kept talking about what he had done at school on Monday. _That_ was his family, the family he built and cared for and it was absolutely perfect.


	17. not a chapter just a gift to y'all.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello beautiful people, today I'm giving you a wolfstar visualizer for this story, it was supposed to come out earlier but I got caught in life anyway here we are alas.
> 
> just click [here](https://ceo-of-regulus-black.tumblr.com/post/636655440289202176/never-have-i-ever-wolfstar-visualizer)

this chapter has no text ofc 


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